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GREG GUTFELD: ‘What the hell is going on up there in Ontario?’

Happy Thursday, everyone! All right. To the big news of the day, Liz Truss has resigned, which raises the question, ‘Who?’ Just kidding. It’s time once again to cover the news that no one else will.

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NARRATOR: If it happens up there, we report down here. You’re watching Gazoombagate: Canada 2023. Week five.

Yes, week five. It’s a story that allowed us to lift and separate the truth from fiction. So, week five of our exclusive never-ending and perhaps overwrought and totally unnecessary coverage of the Canadian high school shop teacher with prosthetic breasts the size of Trinidad and Tobago. Now we’re going to get to the bottom of that top if it’s the last thing I do. But without me doing any actual reporting, because that would be ridiculous. So how about a recap? Person in charge of recapping.

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GREG GUTFELD: According to the Toronto Sun, she was once a he began identifying as female last year and started wearing massive prosthetic breasts to class. Is it all a long troll or was it just a mistake converting bra size from inches to metric? The school’s game plan is to hope this scandal simply deflates, and soon we’ll all move on to something else. But I’m not. As a child, I was bottle-fed, so I’m extra intrigued about this. As you know, we’re the only show that keeps diligent tabs on the Ontario transgender teacher with the over sized prosthetic breasts. I’m not sure what that says about us, but we’re just trying to keep you abreast.

Terrible. You know? As promised, we said we would keep our eyes focused on the story for any updates. And, boy, do we have some. First, due to the international uproar over this scandal, which has now surpassed the other Canadian scandal – oh, you’re welcome, Justin. What, are you guys fans? Oh my God.

The Ontario College of Teachers is now reviewing its professional standards following the scrum over the teacher’s appearance. The review is a response to a request from Education Minister Stephen Lecce, and he expects teachers to show the highest standards of professionalism in front of school kids. Well, the teacher in question definitely dresses like a pro, if you know what I mean. But it may mean this teacher could get fired for admitting this as a stunt to troll, so he has to keep the whole thing covered up. Preferably with a loose fitting sweater, perhaps a circus tent. 

GREG GUTFELD: FOCUS ON SMALL TALK, NOT WOKE TALK

Curtis Ennis, the local director of education, making him the point man for questions about enormous plastic boobs, has said the board cannot comment on an individual employee, noting they need to act in a way that ‘stays true to our values and commitments to human rights, respects the privacy and dignity of our students and staff, and with the safety and wellbeing of students and staff is our highest priority.’

Yeah, that was absolutely no help. I guess words are what Canadians hide behind when they can’t find a moose. At a meeting of the board this week. David Menzies of Rebel News arrived wearing a blond wig, short skirt, tight top and large fake breasts to confront the board over their inaction. It was either that or he was hoping to land a husband. He does look fetching.

This surreal story has also affected the election campaigns of many public school board candidates because not unlike a man in a dress who needs to urinate, parents need to know where these people stand. I know. It’s kind of a long journey for that punchline. I agonized over it myself. Candidates are now hearing from parents about how unacceptable the teacher’s behavior is in the classroom. Says one candidate that, ‘sentiment is overwhelmingly negative.’ I guess that’s how Canadians say people are sick of this ********.

Others, though, say it’s not a top issue, which I find hard to believe. It should be the top two issues. I mean, look at the nipples. They are so literally over the top, they have to be blurred for safety. The school must be forced to keep the classroom warm so no one loses an eye. Luckily, though, it is shop class and the kids are wearing safety goggles most of the time, which is really useful when the teacher hands out pop quizzes. Or pops out.

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One candidate scoffs at parents concerns, saying that ‘using a single individual as a point of contention in the election adds fuel to the fire of populist nonsense.’ Oh, yeah, you’re right. We should wait until at least 15 to 20 more teachers don giant fake WMD **** before parents make an issue of it. Frankly, I think these candidates should come clean on fake plastic breasts. That’s what I said. But that’s just me.

And the big question still remains: what the hell is going on up there in Ontario? Frankly, Americans aren’t sleeping well with these two giant boulders dangling above us 24/7. Is this truly a trans teacher or is it a prank that’s gotten way out of hand? And can’t the US be of some help to solving this international calamity? I mean, it kind of sounds like a job for Admiral Levine. She’s a hero.

And let’s face it. How does the teacher drive to work? Have you thought of that? Those are bigger than any smart car. I mean, why doesn’t a reporter catch the teacher arriving at school to see if he or she puts the breasts on in the parking lot? Or has he or she removed the driver’s seat so he or she can steer from the back? See, I think about these things. So you don’t have to. Because really, where are the investigative reporters when you really need them? They’re probably covering stupid stuff like wars or the economy. What a bunch of real boobs.

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